Johnny Daniel Balu - My late-grandfather.
the greatest man i have ever had. He had the warmest heart of all. He took care of us since we were babies when our parents got divorced. That's why we called him Pa. Since he was a policeman, mom said he was a very strict and fierce father to them when they were kids. But he treated us differently, he was a very caring and loving grandfather to us. He never scold us nor beat us. He was kind not to us but to other people too. that's why everyone in Tamparuli likes him. There's a saying, said a real man never enter his daughter's room. that's my Pa. He never enter our rooms even if there's important things he want to say or give. He will call us and sit in the living room, waiting for us to see him.
After his pension as a policeman, he worked as a businessman, selling salted fish & dried shrimps in pasar Tamparuli. Selling salted fish is not easy. yes they are more expensive than the fresh fishes. but you have to endure the smell of em. i remember once when both of us were in a mini van (pawong) to go home. all people in the van were capping their nose. my chinese schoolmates said "iyer, zhe ge lao ren hen chou leh!" meaning "this old man is very smelly" & doing the "bluekkkkkk" sound. i was like WTF? why r u saying my grandpa like that? i nearly cried hearing them saying him like that. my grandpa innocently looked at them & gave them a wide smile, then he looked at me, "kawan sikul kau?" sigh. Napa la dia ni bagus sangat? people were teasing him but he still can give them a smile.
He always give us whatever we want. If we want to buy new clothes, shoes, books etc, he will give us lots of money. Usually a middle level family will have 3 dishes for dinner, lauk daging, sayur, sup & nasi. We are middle level family, but our dinner have 6 - 8 dishes every night! chicken, beef, fish, prawns, soup, veges, eggs, everything in a single dinner. desserts excluded. we had bugger, pisang goreng, chakui, sausage buns & many more! my grandma didn't like it & she said "urang kaya pun x makan malam macam kamurang!" but my grandpa said "biar rumah sederhana, yang penting makan cukup." & ended it with a smile. :)
but sadly he had become ill around April 2006. He has gout. actually after i graduated from STPM, i have been offered to UPM, but i reject it as no one will take care of my grandpa. my grandma took over his business. so i was the only one that available. unfortunately, his disease worsened day by day. at first he still can walk, but when his swollen feet getting bigger, he had to use the wheelchair or just laying on the bed. i took care of him day & night. i feed him & even bathe him. if i want to bath him, i would ask my uncles to carry & sit him to the chair, because my grandpa was very big & chubby like santa claus. but day after day, i myself can carry him already. as he had lost so much weight & he's lighter than me. the first time i bathe him, he cried. i asked him why, i thought maybe the water was cold or too hot, but he said "bapa malu kau kasi mandi bapa...." with my teary eyes i said "buat apa mau malu, kalo mau malu, tiada orang dpt kasi mandi ko pa..nanti ko berbau.." T_T
on 16 May 2006, it was my birthday. while massaging him, i said to him, "pa, hari ni birthday sa." he looked at me & said "sorry lat...bapa xdapat bagi kau hadiah..." sigh. i said "pa..sa bukan mau minta hadiah harijadi..sa just mau bapa sihat cepat2.." but he didn't get any better. he was critically ill. he once said to me how he felt sorry for me, if not because of him, i would have been in UPM already. he always blame himself for that. but to me, taking care of him was the least thing i can do for him, compare to what he had done for me since i was a little girl. he used to tell me how important education is. his last wish for me is that i will further my studies to the highest level.
a month after my birthday, he was weaker than before. he refused to eat & drink for a week. he closed his eyes but he's not asleep. all his nails were black. his skin was bloodless pale. all i can hear was his light & weak breath. that evening, me, my aunts & grandma gather around him. we chatted & laughed while lightly massaging my grandpa's hands & legs. suddenly he coughed and then he was like breathing harder. we called him so many times but he didn't respond at all. Suddenly he had stopped breathing. T_T my uncle bring him to hospital, believed that my grandpa was still alive. we were anxiously waiting for the news at home. my uncle called me & said "lat...bapa tiada sudah..." T_T i cried but still wishing that it was a joke from my uncle, as he is a joker in the family. but sadly it was true.
my grandpa's gone. he had left me. forever. how could you do this to me pa??
it's been more than 5 years now. i have never visit your grave. only once; the day you were buried. i am very sorry. but i still don't have the courage to visit you. i still can't accept the fact that you were gone. but i promise you, i'll visit your grave in 1 fine day..
2 days ago was your birthday. happy belated birthday pa! i know you are doing great up there..
May Your Soul Rest In Peace.
loving & missing you,
your grand daughter.
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| My late-bapa with his salted fish. |
(This photo was taken by a foreign journalist, who interested with our culture. He sent this picture to the adress my bapa gave him.)
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